How to Save Your Friendship — 15 Tips From Attachment Theory

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You may have been hearing story after story lately of friend breakups and people ending long relationships.

Stories like:

He had an interaction with his friend where he felt his boundaries were violated and ended the friendship. His friend tried to apologize, but he felt it wasn’t enough, and ended the friendship of eight years.

or

Her friend asked for help, and although she had supported her friend many times over the course of a decade long friendship, this time she was struggling with a chronic illness and couldn’t be there. Her friend was upset and has been ghosting her ever since.

or

She’d always had a good friendship with her best friend, but they’ve drifted apart lately, and when she reached out to express how she felt, her friend pulled away and stopped texting. She’s afraid they’re not friends anymore.

If it seems like you’ve been hearing more stories like this since the pandemic started, it’s not your imagination — people have been struggling with relationships of all kinds, and that includes friendships.

Why is this happening? Can we just blame it all on the pandemic?

The pandemic has definitely affected the way we all interact and communicate — and as a sort of global trauma, it’s brought up people’s own trauma. So you may have heard stories of people feeling upset about events that happened years ago, or even experienced that yourself. And for many people, it has brought up past attachment wounding — ways they were hurt relationally.

People are more stressed than usual. And when people are stressed, they tend to fall back on their worst attachment tendencies.

Here is a quick primer on attachment theory. There are 4 categories of attachment, or bonding, that we all fall into. Research shows that our attachment style develops in infancy (or earlier!) and follows us into adulthood. Attachment styles affect all relationships — with family, romantic partners, friends, everyone.

The 4 attachment styles:

SECURE ATTACHMENT (SOMETIMES CALLED THE ANCHOR):

• Are highly attuned to others and emotionally intelligent

• Form lasting relationships relatively easily

• Enjoy teams and collaboration

• Are good at asking for and receiving help

Avoidant Attachment (Sometimes called the Island):

• Highly independent

• Enjoy their alone time and solo pursuits

• Often prioritize career above relationships

• Have difficulty shifting from alone time to connection

Anxious Attachment (Sometimes called Ambivalent, Anxious-Preoccupied, or the Wave):

• Can be highly focused on relationships, sometimes at the expense of other areas

• Have trouble shifting from connection to alone time

• Are emotionally attuned to other’s needs, sometimes neglecting their own

• May “complain in order to connect”

Disorganized Attachment (Sometimes called Fearful Avoidant):

• Alternative between an anxious and avoidant stance, sometimes leaning more toward one style than the other

• Often have trauma histories, which can cause dissociation or freeze where they “space out”

• Are easily triggered, with quick emotional state shifts

• May have a childhood with unpredictable, chaotic, or dangerous attachment relationships

Keep in mind that we all have a blend of attachment styles and our attachment styles change between relationships, though people usually do tend towards one dominant style.

So what does all this have to do with friendship?

Here’s an example. An anxiously attached person hasn’t been hearing from their friend as much lately. They miss the close connection, so they pull back, but only because they want their friend to reach out. And when they don’t receive a message, they feel hurt. They reach out, but their friend interprets their request for more contact as blaming.

What to do if you have anxious attachment:

• Practice tapping into feelings of consistent, reliable love and care — whether or not that comes from the person who is currently not giving you the attention you would like. Meditate on people who are there for you in a consistent way.

• Address the underlying wound for the anxiously attached person — the fear of being abandoned. Give some love to the part of yourself that is scared of losing your friend.

The avoidantly attached person whose coping strategies might include distraction, can find an endless supply of online entertainment, but feels less connected than ever.

What to do if you have avoidant attachment:

• Nurture interpersonal relationships, which will be more fulfilling than superficial texting or online chatting

• Reach out to suggest a face to face conversation, even if that needs to be on Zoom

• It’s okay if you don’t get an immediate yes — don’t let your fear of rejection stop you

• Offer a specific time and date to connect rather than a vague note such as “Let’s catch up soon”

And for the disorganized attachment style which can fluctuate between the two, they are dealing with an array of past traumas which just leave them feeling more anxious and triggered than ever. In a world where they never felt safe to begin with, they feel even less safe.

What to do if you have disorganized/fearful avoidant attachment:

• Work on feeling safe in a somatic way

• When you get triggered, practice self-soothing techniques

• Don’t react right away — rather, practice mindfulness and checking in with yourself first

What about your friendships? How can you take other people’s attachment styles into account?

Here are a few quick tips depending on your friend’s style:

If you know your friend has avoidant attachment:

• Don’t force connection or ask them to stay longer on the phone than they are comfortable with

• Do help them feel seen and understood with accurate reflective listening

• If they express a wish to connect but then don’t follow up, be the one to follow up. Remember that they’re acutely afraid of rejection

If you know your friend has anxious-ambivalent attachment:

• Tell them how much you value your friendship and what they mean for you

• Do stay in contact regularly, whether that’s through phone calls, texts, social media, or in person

• Help them stay positive, since the tendency can be to go negative (remember they may complain *in order to* connect)

If you know your friend has disorganized/fearful avoidant attachment:

• Use tips from above, depending if they’re in an anxious or avoidant stance

• Remind them of ways that they are safe or help them focus on the ways they feel safe

• Remind them of their self care practices — you might even take a yoga or meditation class together — which can be done online

• If they ghost you, work on your own attachment security and connect with friends who are there for you

Remember that most people are a blend of different attachment styles, not just one. Your friend who has some secure attachment and some anxious attachment may have fallen back on some old anxious patterning during this time.

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The 36 questions to bring you closer:

Another way to increase your attachment security with friends, just as with partners, is to take turns asking each other interesting questions that spark conversation and closeness. You may have heard of the 36 questions that lead to love — questions like, “what would constitute a perfect day for you?” Or “what do you feel most grateful for in life?”

Above all, remember that everyone is going through an unusually stressful time period in history — so honor your boundaries but also practice forgiveness and repair.

Enjoyed this article? You may also like my article: Helping your relationship survive a quarantine — 20 tips from attachment theory

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Want more detail on putting these into practice? Check out my course, Secure Attachment Rewire: The 5 Key Strategies to Change Your Anxious Attachment in Dating and Relationships. You can get more information about Secure Attachment Rewire here.