Anxious Attachment Triggers and Coping Behaviors
Anxious attachment usually stems from inconsistent or unpredictable connection in childhood. The result is a desire to keep someone close, and a fear of being abandoned. When we were very young, to keep someone close meant to survive. Adult brains can still carry that desire for certainty and reassurance. As adults, though we might not burst into tears and demand our favorite cereal, anxious triggers can show up in many ways during a relationship, activating the stress response and adaptive coping behavior, and causing a ripple effect in relationships.
Here are some triggers that people with anxious attachment often feel in the beginning stages and later on in relationships:
Triggers in the beginning of a relationship:
You feel unclear about whether their interests in a relationship align with yours
You don’t get enough time together - they have a lack of availability
They stop messaging as frequently or start to pull away
You find out they haven’t told any of their friends or family about you
You want to spend time together, but they have other things to do, and they seem to be prioritizing them higher than you
They won’t make plans with you or the plans feel uncertain — ex. “let’s meet again soon”
Coping behaviors at the beginning of a relationship:
Spending a lot of time and energy analyzing the other person’s behavior
Thinking about them constantly — when you’re at work, at the gym, driving, etc.
Talking to friends about what their behavior means
Agonizing over exactly what to say in a message, and analyzing their messages
Doing things to make the other person approve of you
Triggers during a relationship:
Partner walking away or shutting down in the middle of a conflict
Hearing “I just want to be alone right now” from your partner
Criticism from your partner
Having your needs minimized or invalidated
Being told you’re too sensitive
Sharing your feelings and then being met with silence or minimal response
Partner avoiding the big topics that you feel are important for the relationship
The assessment that you are more invested in the relationship than your partner is
Suspecting that your partner is pulling away
Suspecting that your partner is cheating on you
Finding ways to get your partner to spend more time with you, even if that means being indirect
Coping behaviors during a relationship:
Initiating more and more since the other person is not
Sacrificing your own needs to save the relationship
Doing more of the emotional labor — for example, helping the other person figure out what they need in your relationship
Raising your voice, blaming, or attempting to communicate more
Bringing up multiple topics in a conflict because they are unresolved
Trying to get the other person to commit to you or the relationship
Other common triggers:
Giving more than you receive in a relationship, which can cause feelings of resentment
Feeling unappreciated for actions you’ve done for others
Reaching out only to find that people are not available
How to handle these triggers:
Think about what you are gaining and losing through each of these coping behaviors
Consider whether the strategy you’re using is negatively impacting you, your partner, or the relationship
Identify a strategy you might use instead
Need more help managing these triggers and finding healthy relationship strategies for anxious attachment? You can find these in my course: